Sunday, March 29, 2026

You Can't Win 'Em All (1970)

In 1922, Adam Dyer (Tony Curtis) futilely bailed water from his sinking ship.  The Achilles was a small vessel, hardly more than a rowboat with a mast.  Luckily, he spotted a passing ship and climbed aboard.  Josh Corey (Charles Bronson) demanded payment for the rescue at the point of a revolver.  Looking back at the Achilles as it vanished into the Aegean Sea, Adam had no choice.  He paid 500 in gold to be allowed aboard the Cybele.  Exhausted, he fell asleep in the wheelhouse.  When he awoke sometime later, there was no one at that wheel.  The crew - two Greeks - were sneaking up on Josh with weapons!  Adam intervened and saved Josh's life.  However, he reclaimed his gold and set Josh adrift in a rowboat.  This would not be the last encounter between the two.

Adam was headed to Turkey to recover a ship that belonged to his family; it had been seized during the Great War.  Josh was rendezvousing with his band of mercenaries to earn some quick cash from the Sultan.  The pair were roped into escorting an Ottoman train to Smyrna under the watchful eye of Colonel Elci (Fikret Hakan).  The train is full of precious cargo: three of Osman Bey's daughters, several crates of gold, a suitcase full of jewels, and the scheming yet beautiful Aila (Michele Mercier).  With Greeks and rebels between them and Adam's ship, could they get through?

I would never have thought to put Curtis and Bronson together, but they have good chemistry.  Curtis' smart aleck charm contrasts nicely with Bronson's sharp edges and serious demeanor.  The problem is the script.  It is too busy.  Among the characters who set out, there is a constant back and forth on who is going to betray whom and what new alliances form as the situation changes.  Then there are the external threats from rebel soldiers who repeatedly attack.  Then there is the constantly shifting MacGuffin: is it the Bey's daughters, the crates of gold, the case of jewels, or something else entirely?  Though most of the mercenaries and Ottomans die along the way, the movie wraps up like a screwball comedy.  Huh?

As far as history, there was indeed a civil war in Turkey in 1922.  There you go, that is about all the history this imparts.  The Turkish government was unimpressed by the final product and banned it from distribution in Turkey.

Just okay.

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