Thursday, August 6, 2020

The Old Guard (2020)

There is a small cadre of immortals who find work as mercenaries.  They are led by Andromache of Scythia, an Amazon queen of Greek Myth.  She goes by Andy these days.  Andy (Charlize Theron) has a bad feeling about a new job that Booker has arranged.  Sure enough, they all get killed in an ambush.  A minute later, they stand up and slaughter their ambushers.  Clearly, their secret is out and they need to go on the offensive against Copley (Chiwetel Ejiofor), the man who set them up.

It turns out that Copley wants to hand them to the unscrupulous CEO of a big pharma company so that they can be studied.  Maybe cures can be discovered.  It's for the greater good.  Besides, his wife died a horrible death from cancer, so Copley is really a good guy, just a little misguided.  Yeah, right.  His transformation from villain to ally was unbelievable.

No sooner does the team set out to find Copley than they dream about a new immortal.  The new immortal proves to be a US Marine stationed in Afghanistan.  Obviously, Andy just goes to Afghanistan, infiltrates a US military base, beats down several Marines, and extracts Nile (KiKi Layne) in a Humvee.  Yeah, how did that extraction work?  We didn't actually see her infiltrate the base.  No, she just appeared around a corner.  Nor did we see her leave.  It was Nile's point of view and she was unconscious from the fight until she woke up in the Humvee.  What strange powers do immortals have?  Ah, the power of plot.

The immortals are an odd bunch.  There are two hypermasculine women, the gay Crusaders, and Booker the Traitor.  Andy and Nile get along winningly.  Like most women, they have to get in a fight.  It's that standard fight between eventual allies, like Robin Hood and Little John.  Women do that, right?  I get the feeling this was written by a man.  Yeah, sure enough.  Just so we don't have too much masculinity, there are the gay Crusaders, a Muslim and a Christian who fell in love.  Yes, look at the tenderness between them.  Listen to one tell how these non-immortals cannot understand the depths of his love.  Even during a battle, when one is shot, the other has to go check on him because... well, of course he'll be fine but he needs to check anyway even though they are in the middle of a gunfight.  Love.  That brings us to Booker the Traitor.  Booker is French and he has given up.  What originality!  Yes, he took the job that got them all killed knowing that it was an ambush.  But then why didn't Copley just warn the ambushers to disarm them?  Wait, this makes no sense in retrospect.

There is a John Wick feel to some of the gunfights where Andy plays John Wick.  I have no issue with Andy mopping the floor with a score of men in a gun battle.  She has centuries of experience in combat.  However, when she gets into a brawl, the suspension of disbelief gets stretch a bit too far.  She may be immortal but she's still just 120 lbs. with ordinary strength.  She may heal quickly but that doesn't make her bones harder to break.  Not buying it.

The big villain, Merrick, is just crazy.  Once he has captured a couple of immortals, he tells them to their face that he is going to vivisect them until he determines what makes them tick and monetizes it.  He is supremely confident that the tables will never turn.  No, they will never... What?  They escaped?  Luckily, I have this pistol so I can shoot them.  Ugh.

It reminds me of Highlander, a far better movie about immortals.  In that, decapitation was fatal.  For these immortals, they expect to survive being burned at the stake.  What's left to heal?

There is a great idea here but the execution is terrible.  I don't like any of these immortals.  Nor do I like any of the mortals.  Skip it.

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